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Dear Berv.

When I was pretty young I was deserted by someone I truly loved. That experience devastated me because I simply could not understand why my life could suddenly change that way. I became a very sad boy, and for many years I lived with the mindset that I wasn’t loved; of not how could this person who once loved me and whom I love suddenly leave me… I struggled to come to terms with my reality but I never quite did.  It was a really hard time for me.

And then it left a very indelible scar on my emotional state, making me to become detached. I told myself there was no reason to open my heart to anyone; for they would eventually leave me and I would end up devastated. As the years passed I became abnormal. I was suspicious of people who ever tried to love me and there was no apologies for that. For me it was normal; no one can truly care about anybody. I cared for no one and I didn’t want to be cared for.

Never did I realize how bad this was until I met you, Beverly. You are the first woman who really [really] didn’t mind my idiosyncrasies. Others before you sensed it from the onset and gave up before even trying. But you…you did try and I was a jerk. I was busy guarding my heart while you were trying hard to fix me up where I needed fixing. If only I had given you a chance. But no…I messed it up. I shot the door of my heart against you each time you managed to push it open and now you have no more strength to push. You tried, I was the jerk.
And after you left me I realized what a therapy you were. I need my therapy back, Berv. I am not yet hundred percent the man you’d want me to be, but I swear by my humanity that I will do everything within my ability to change for you. You deserve it, and I should earn you.


Come back to me, love. I can’t do this struggle for the rest of my


~Emmanuel Benson
*This is an excerpt from my manuscript Forlorn Gaze. It’s a work of fiction in progress.


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